Episode Description
The decision to move into a retirement community is more than a decision about where to live. It can be laden with emotion. And, kids often end up involved. In this episode, Amy and Pat speak with Chrissie Ammann, a Sales and Marketing Director with Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America. With decades of experience helping seniors (and their kids) navigate decisions about the when, where and how.
“‘My parents are looking at going into a senior living community. That means they won’t be with me that long.’ It’s not that. They realize ‘it’s a brand new beginning for my parents — and, that’s exciting for them.’ It goes from ‘you don’t need to do that‘ to ‘this could be really amazing for my parents.‘”
Chrissie Ammann
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Aberdeen Ridge: https://aberdeenridge.org/
Chrissie Ammann: https://aberdeenridge.org/about/our-team/
Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America: https://www.presbyterianmanors.org/
Other (potentially) Useful Links
We suggest searching the web for articles about “how to talk with your kids about moving to senior living” and “how to talk with your parents about moving to senior living”. There are several wonderful resources that will help you be intentional as you navigate these conversations.
Transcript
PAT: I’m pleased to introduce our guest today, Chrissie Ammann, who is the Sales Director for Aberdeen Ridge, a very exciting new project here in Colorado Springs, that’s under construction. Anticipating the initial move in will be midsummer, and that will go on for several months, where eventually there will be 171 Independent Living apartments.
And with 40 additional Assistant Living, and also Memory Care available as the need arises. Maybe you could give a brief background on yourself, Chrissie? And get me out of the out of trying to introduce you properly.
CHRISSIE: No problem, I really have been in senior living – gosh now for twenty five plus years, almost going on thirty years. Senior living – I just can’t envision myself anywhere else. It started out because I had been working on a family farm and just not real satisfied. I guess I wanted more, but I didn’t know what I wanted and so I saw that there was a position open at the local senior living community for an Activity Assistant. I thought well, “Hey, great, how hard could this be?” And, it is hard, but very rewarding. I just felt like I found my place. So that’s where I’ve been ever since in that senior living world.
So, you don’t know what you don’t know. And so I didn’t know that that’s where I wanted to be or needed to be, but eventually figured that out we want to enjoy the people you’re working with.
PAT: The demographic that you’re working with is an interesting group, typically older, mostly retired, I would think, and certainly, I would think somewhat demanding in certain situations.
CHRISSIE: Well, you know, I think that for me it’s just all about the learning journey. Because how else are we going to know how to plan for the future if we don’t know what’s happened in our past? And what a great way to learn about our past than from people that actually experienced it. And so for me, I don’t know, it doesn’t ever come off as demanding. It’s what you want. You’ve worked hard for it all these years. You deserve it. And so you know, I want to accommodate that in any way possible, and just getting to hear stories. It’s such a rich history that a lot of our members and residents throughout all of our other communities have really had throughout their life, And I just think that’s such an important part to know about and be a part of too.
PAT: If you ever need another profession, think about being a diplomat!
AMY: Yeah.
CHRISSIE: I’ll keep that in mind.
AMY: Well, Christie, we’re so interested that you have had this wealth of experience in this field, and just hearing your story. I feel like you and I crossed paths for the first time almost a year ago, maybe about ten months ago. And it’s so appropriate to this conversation today. Our interaction was a pretty emotional conversation on my part.
My parents were trying to make a decision about moving out of their home, and investing in their future at Aberdeen Ridge. Which comes with all sorts of implications for a kid.
And so what we’re talking about today is your your observations when kids and parents have conversations like this where they are thinking about moving, into Aberdeen Ridge – where you are currently – , or one of the other senior living facilities that might be available across the U.S.
But what it’s really like? I know my experience in that conversation with you. You got to play diplomat, as my Dad said, as well as therapist a bit. And, also, I think, probably a bit of the visionary of helping people imagine themselves in a place that they’ve really never been before in life and physically in an apartment building. So tell us a little bit about what you see as kids and parents are navigating choices, like this.
CHRISSIE: I’d say it is kind of a dance for sure, that we often see.
Right now we are focusing on Independent Living, but Assistant Living and Memory Care will be coming on later in the year. So primarily from an Independent Living standpoint, I would say that a third of our appointments actually have adult children or that family support involved in the first appointment. So, a third, or maybe even a little less so.
Initially, what we’re seeing now is primarily the senior themselves, just stepping into those waters. A bit of, “I want to know more.” And so initially, it is the senior. But then as the discussions progress and they learn more about what is available to them, then adult children become much more a part of the conversation. And I would say that the hardest part that I see. I called it a dance, because I sit back and I look. I see a senior that wants to continue to be independent in their decision making; wants to be educated and really understand where they might want to go for their future; and do for their future. Then I see the adult children maybe getting a first glance, a glimpse of reality of “oh my goodness, my parents are looking at going into a senior living community”. The kids realize that means it’s not going to be that long that they’re not going to be with me any more. I think there’s this fact that it really that might happen. Parents aren’t going to always be with me. But it’s just not that at all. And so I think after they come in and we have these conversations they realize, “oh, my gosh, this is a brand new beginning for my parents and it’s really exciting to them”. And so for the majority of the adult children, I think it takes a moment to really understand what is in front of their parents and what their parents really want. It goes from being no, don’t do that; you’re not old enough to do that; you don’t need to do that to – oh my gosh, this could be really amazing for my parents. So there is definitely a shift there. I would ask you, Amy, when we brought up this subject, you were in similar shock.
AMY: Well, I was. As Chrissie was talking, I’m like, oh, my gosh, she just mapped out my whole emotional cycle. So partly I’m like, it’s great to normalize these emotions, and to also think about the fun little peaks to come. You know, sometimes it’s easy to concentrate on the valleys, rather than the peaks instead. Hey, this is actually new beginnings for my parents. I don’t know if my Mom and Dad have shared this with you, but I started to think about this as if they were going to college.
As if they started to hear familiar voices or people on the floor that they will eventually move next to. I just started think this is like getting your dorm assignment when you go to college. In the collective excitement about that, This sense of community that we were talking earlier and about the chance to learn. I do think that I attach really quickly to that because I think that’s such a parade for what living is, and just how easy it is to stagnate when we’re in isolation. And so the fact that’s what Independent Living offers, a Community where it’s so much easier to learn. I mean, just meeting new people is learning.
PAT: Yes,
AMY: And so that whole idea of thriving in this new beginning. Some of these really positive generative aspects of this in a season of life which we typically associate with slowing down or becoming more dormant. And I think that’s one of the really important pieces this conversation is honoring. There are so many ways to move through this season of life, And this is something that rather than think negatively about like it’s the end. No, it’s the beginning. It’s like this fertile ground for growth.
CHRISSIE: Absolutely, and I just love the word of honor because that’s absolutely where I think you know the shift than eventually gets to. That is honoring your parents to say you’ve made decisions throughout your entire life. This isn’t any different, And so I support you and I want to honor you and your decision. And yes, there is growth that continues even as we age. I just love to see that. I often tell the families that I visit with that. It’s so fun to see. We talk about the things that are available from a lifestyle perspective. I love seeing when somebody moves into a community, and maybe they’ve never picked up a paint brush or a pencil before or even thought that they could draw or be creative. These opportunities at a senior community really lend themselves to that learning. They think, I can do this. I possibly wouldn’t have ever done this out of my home or it’s not something that I would have picked up, but it’s here right at my finger tips. Yes, I want an opportunity to continue to learn and grow in this life.
AMY: That’s so exciting. I can’t wait to see what my Dad paints when he picks up that paint and brush.
CHRISSIE: Right well, we already know. Yeah, I’m already pegging him for different things, so he’s going to be busy.
AMY: Do you ever see anyone decide that Independent Living is not for them?
CHRISSIE: You know, in my time since I’ve been in senior living, it’s rare, very rare. I have to say that when it has happened, it’s typically with a couple that’s come in because there is a need with a spouse. Once that spouse’s need progresses to where Assisted Living or Memory Care is now the best option then the other spouse might say “You know, I’m going to go ahead and and go back home”. But it’s rare. I mean, I think the huge benefit of a senior community in that particular situation is there’s the support from others.
CHRISSIE: You know they’re not the only one that has experienced maybe a decline or progression of a disease with a spouse. And so there is that really strong support system in a community where seniors can just rely on their friends and their group to help them through that. And so it is rare. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t ever happen. but the majority of people that make a decision to come into a community, especially a community like Aberdeen Ridge it’s a plan. It’s not something that is taken on lightly. It’s like we’ve thought this out. We know that this is what we want to do and there’s a variety of reasons that we need to do it, But we both want to do this together. And that’s a big thing that we talk about with couples. In particular, it is really taking a step back and looking at what do you want for your spouse? If something were to happen. Of course our conversations are very candid. We talk about Other things, but that is one of them. Step back and and take a look at what you would want for your spouse if something happened to you. Obviously staying in your home presents a whole set of issues that have to be addressed. If one of you dies and the remaining spouse needs help. You know it’s a challenge and it can be really challenging to go through that journey. Issues like the house needs cleaning out and you’re doing all these things and you’re having to figure out at the same time what’s the next step for my parent that needs assistance, So we always want to encourage people to do this together as a couple. If somebody’s single, do it while you can still make the decision. You’ve made decisions your whole life. It doesn’t stop because your needs have changed. This is in fact when you need to be the one to drive this, and trying to determine what is best for your future.
AMY: Makes so much sense. Dad, I’m curious. When you started down this path before bringing me into the fold in the decision process, was that by design?
PAT: Well, I think the response is that we have seen situations like this with our friends who are in the same age bracket. We saw issues that they had to go through and some of them were very unfortunate. Somebody that we know who had dementia literally went to five different Memory Care facilities and it was just so traumatic for everyone. And the other thing that I think prompted us was the fact that you’re an only child. The thought of us dying and it meant all of a sudden, you’re two thousand miles away, and you have to uproot your life to come to Colorado Springs. Then sell a house and empty out a 3000 square foot house. It would be a huge burden on you. We should, just like Chrissie said, approach this when we’re physically and mentally ready to do this. So that was really the ingredients that prompted the decision. Oh, and and one other thing, I do have to brag about Chrissie, because when I made a request for information online, I said we’re kind of interested. Chrissie mailed a full information packet and I replied we were going to table this discussion. She said, “what do you mean table?” I don’t know if you remember that. The very complete packet of information was quite frankly the tipping point that I thought these folks are really organized. So to your credit, you said, “not the time to table.”
CHRISSIE: One of the things when we talk about intergenerational support that I think is different when a senior is looking to start this journey is the hesitation that they have not lived in an apartment in a long time. How are they going to make that happen? They have all of this stuff and can’t imagine having to get rid of it. Then, on the other hand, the adult child thinks who are these people prompting my parents to move? We don’t want them taking advantage of our parents. And of course there’s always the financial piece that is a big part of the discussion. That is something when the kids are involved prompts a lot of questions. But more so than that, I think some of the questions that I typically hear and objections are my parents are still active. They’re still doing things; they travel; they’re social; so they don’t need this opportunity or this community. And you know I have to remind them that yes, that’s right today. We want to continue to encourage that, but the reality is as we all age our situations can change quickly. These can be hard conversations. I remembered when I first started, I often used the word ‘well’. When you’re you know no longer at the community or if you pass, And then somebody said, Why don’t you just say it, when we die? And you know I really learned from that. We don’t have to be quiet about this. We’re all going to be there and so let’s talk about it. Let’s plan. Let’s know that when our time does come, we had a great time up until the very end. We did everything that we wanted to do. We were well taken care of. And so I really learned from that. I would say that a major difference between the concerns of the senior and the adult child is they want to make sure that their parent is a taken advantage of, or they’re going to be taken care of, or they don’t need it right now. And so I would say that the biggest piece of advice I could give to an adult child is certainly just listen. listen.
CHRISSIE: Pay attention. You know often we’re so busy in our own lives that the next thing we know, gosh, I didn’t realize that Mom fell five times last year. So listen, be supportive. Pay attention. and ultimately you do have to realize that this isn’t about you and I believe me, I’ve been there. In my case I said to my family, no, I don’t want you to do this and you know, Dad, you don’t need to do that, But at the end of the day they know what they want and they need. They’ve done it their whole entire life, so it doesn’t change just because they’re seventy-five, eighty years old. So I think it’s important to just listen. Be part of it. Be supportive and don’t be closed off to the idea that this is something your parents are exploring. They know. And if they’re doing this, it’s because they want to give you the gift of not having to be burdened with That. Just like you said Pat, you didn’t want to put that on Amy. And so I think that’s the best thing that somebody can do is just be supportive. Listen and be involved.
AMY: That is so powerful. Any advice for parents as they navigate?
CHRISSIE: Well, I think you know, I often hear one of the questions we ask is who is the decision maker. I think there’s a bit of this. What do you mean who is the decision maker? I’m the decision maker. I said. Well, you know, will your adult children be involved? It’s always kind of interesting that later on as they get further in this journey and really considering making a move to our community, the children become very involved. And so I think there’s this bit of we’ll know. You’re maybe thinking we’re make they feel like. maybe we’re thinking they are capable of making those decisions, which is not true. But you know we know we don’t want to. If somebody’s ready to explore this and make a reservation, or you know that plan for themselves, then we need to know who all is involved, so that this can get done, and then you can start preparing to get ready to the move into Aberdeen Ridge, And so I would say, From what I would encourage parents to do, the senior to do is have an understanding that this is tough on your adult children. They are going through an emotional realization that you know there is going to be an end and it’s just that’s more visible, I guess to an adult child. Now when your parents talk about going to a community, so as a senior be gentle, be understanding and listen, and bring them into the decision making at the right time. perhaps you’ll you know. I think you did a great job, Pat of checking this out yourself, Really doing some of the ground work so that you could confidently say to Amy, You know this is what we want to do, And then we had the great opportunity, Amy, of coming together. So I love how that played out because I think that’s the best way that it could could happen, But you know everybody just has to kind of be agreeable to having a discussion being support of each other listening. so it goes both ways.
AMY: Yeah, well, this is so helpful and I know so many people in my circle are navigating this with parents and this is just going to be so helpful to be able to share this with with others. You’re you’re full of wisdom, Chrissie, and it’s no surprise. This is your vocation and thank goodness you left the farm and trusted that nudge.
CHRISSIE: I left the farm. I love it. Well, you know, it really means something to me to be a part of this journey And I think you said it just a little bit ago about a counselor. You know, I never knew. Now I can. if I ever decided to do something different, I can say yeah, I’m a counselor. I have all of these. Yeah, because again, that’s learning from the seniors and from the adult children. And so it’s just it’s been an honor and I might hope for you, Amy, is that you can have that peace of mind to be able to kind of sit back and know that your Mom and Dad are enjoying their best life, and that you don’t have to worry about that, and now you can just be the daughter and you can continue to enjoy these types of things that you’re doing with your Dad, because that’s just an amazing opportunity for you both.
AMY: It is. we’re having fun, aren’t we? Dad?
PAT: You bet. I’m getting emotional with this whole discussion.
AMY: Uh, uh, Um, me too.
AMY: I think we just need to figure out how Aberdeen Ridge can have a helipad. To just make it easier, just to land for coffee.
CHRISSIE: There you go. Definitely, we’ll work on that. Okay, and as we said, you know technology. Who knows we’re going to be beaming up before you know it.
AMY: But Chrissie, thank you for being there for my parents and for me and for my child, the grandson, who was part of the talk about multi-generational conversation. He was there for our conversation, and I will never forget you pulled him a seat up at that table and that was that was very significant.
CHRISSIE: Honor to be a part of this journey with all of you. You know, your family, and so I appreciate this opportunity.
AMY: Thank you. Is there any place if people want to learn more? Where would you send those who are interested in learning more?
CHRISSIE: Thank you for asking. Yes, you know, I think it’s important as seniors explore their options, and for the adult child to to look into the organization that they’re considering to be part of that community, And so the more you know about the organization that you’re looking potentially to connect with and be a part of the better off you are. So I would encourage everyone to just take a look at Presbyterian Manors of America, pmma, that is our organization for information. It gives a great amount of history of how we’ve come to be, which is a story that’s rooted in faith and service. And so I love that story. And then also you know, for Aberdeen Ridge, we can be contacted in several ways. Obviously stopping into the office here. We’re in an office right now until we’re over at the Community, but our office is located at 2925 Professional Place, Suite 202. For those of you not familiar with this part of the city here, we’re in the Kissing Camels Office Park. Our phone number here for the office is 719-755-0600, And you can go to www.aberdeenridge.org.
AMY: Fantastic, Dad, I think there is one final question you have for Chrissie to close us, right?
PAT: The moment of gratitude.
PAT: Well, let me end on a lighter note. My gratitude today is I received new hearing yesterday from the V.A. clinic. It is a whole new world. I am very thrilled.
AMY: We’re all very thrilled. We’re all very very thrilled.
PAT: I can listen to your mother now from four rooms away.
AMY: Hallelujah!
CHRISSIE: So what am I grateful for? here? I would be remiss if I didn’t say I have so much that I am just grateful for. but you know I am first and for most grateful for the opportunity to serve. I am grateful that I can do that through Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America, especially since that’s how we we were founded. PMMA is rooted in that service and faith. And so I’m just very grateful for that and I’m very grateful for the people that I get to meet every day, and whether they choose Aberdeen Ridge or not. Just to know that, hopefully I have imparted some education, wisdom, and perhaps, just listening ear. It just means a great deal to me and I’m so grateful that I am able to do that.
AMY: Wow, I’m like, kind of a mic-drop there!
CHRISSIE: That’s great. love it.
AMY: Well, thank you and thank you, Dad, and we’ll be back with another conversation about navigating aging from two different perspectives. So Chrissie, we hope to have you back. Really look forward to having you join us. Hopefully for another conversation at another time. Thank you so much.